In the same vein as Charlie Brooker’s news report.
Archive for the ‘parody news’ Category
“It looks like it will be one of those groundbreaking seasons that will make the rest of us want to go into hiding.”
The Onion investigates.
Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?
Love the throwaway “spine-pile” line.
MORRISTOWN, NJ—In an innovative, tradition-defying rethinking of one of the greatest comedies in the English language, Morristown Community Players director Kevin Hiles announced Monday his bold intention to set his theater’s production of William Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice in 16th-century Venice.
“I know when most people hear The Merchant Of Venice, they think 1960s Las Vegas, a high-powered Manhattan stock brokerage, or an 18th-century Georgia slave plantation, but I think it’s high time to shake things up a bit,” Hiles said. “The great thing about Shakespeare is that the themes in his plays are so universal that they can be adapted to just about any time and place.”
According to Hiles, everything in the production will be adapted to the unconventional setting. Swords will replace guns, ducats will be used instead of the American dollar or Japanese yen, and costumes, such as Shylock’s customary pinstripe suit, general’s uniform, or nudity, will be replaced by garb of the kind worn by Jewish moneylenders of the Italian Renaissance.
“I’m an angry gorilla and I’m angry.”
Begin with what?
Image courtesy Erich Eilenberger.
Eben Gregory of The Jewlery Report interviews Rhianna about the fight with Chris Brown that caused her to miss the Grammys last week.
There’s been a very popular article on the New York Times website this week about female lust. It describes an experiment conducted by psychology professor Meredith Chivers. She showed men and women — gay and straight — clips of bonobo apes having sex:
To the same subjects, she also showed clips of heterosexual sex, male and female homosexual sex, a man masturbating, a woman masturbating, a chiseled man walking naked on a beach and a well-toned woman doing calisthenics in the nude.
While the subjects watched on a computer screen, Chivers, who favors high boots and fashionable rectangular glasses, measured their arousal in two ways, objectively and subjectively. The participants sat in a brown leatherette La-Z-Boy chair in her small lab at the Center for Addiction and Mental Health… The genitals of the volunteers were connected to plethysmographs — for the men, an apparatus that fits over the penis and gauges its swelling; for the women, a little plastic probe that sits in the vagina and, by bouncing light off the vaginal walls, measures genital blood flow. … The participants were also given a keypad so that they could rate how aroused they felt.
Ignore, for the moment, what sort of subjects volunteer for wearing a genital blood-pressure cuff while watching porn. You can see what the point of the study is — to measure what we think turns us on vs. what actually turns us on. Men, unsurprisingly, were completely transparent.
The men, on average, responded genitally in what Chivers terms “category specific” ways. Males who identified themselves as straight swelled while gazing at heterosexual or lesbian sex and while watching the masturbating and exercising women. They were mostly unmoved when the screen displayed only men. Gay males were aroused in the opposite categorical pattern. Any expectation that the animal sex would speak to something primitive within the men seemed to be mistaken; neither straights nor gays were stirred by the bonobos. And for the male participants, the subjective ratings on the keypad matched the readings of the plethysmograph. The men’s minds and genitals were in agreement.
All was different with the women. No matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, they showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the screen offered men with men, women with women and women with men. They responded objectively much more to the exercising woman than to the strolling man, and their blood flow rose quickly — and markedly, though to a lesser degree than during all the human scenes except the footage of the ambling, strapping man — as they watched the apes. And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person. The readings from the plethysmograph and the keypad weren’t in much accord. During shots of lesbian coupling, heterosexual women reported less excitement than their vaginas indicated; watching gay men, they reported a great deal less; and viewing heterosexual intercourse, they reported much more. Among the lesbian volunteers, the two readings converged when women appeared on the screen. But when the films featured only men, the lesbians reported less engagement than the plethysmograph recorded. Whether straight or gay, the women claimed almost no arousal whatsoever while staring at the bonobos.
Why did women get aroused no matter what image was on the screen? Chivers says she feels like a pioneer at the edge of a great forest. The Times article devotes pages to discussing this “great question that has never been answered.” I think the question was already answered, if you read carefully.
What do women want?
…a little plastic probe that sits in the vagina…
Of course they were turned on by everything. They were sitting on a dildo!
Elliott Kalan of Metro is looking on the bright side:
Apparently the United States is having an economic collapse. The Stock market is approaching negative numbers, meaning things you already own will start disappearing. The Treasury Secretary has even downgraded the economy from “stable” to “in a pickle”. It’s reminding many of the Great Depression, when an impoverished U.S. split into warring tribes and could only be reunited when FDR predicted a solar eclipse, thus convincing America he was a wizard who could appease the money gods. But don’t let that depress you too much, because financial catastrophe doesn’t have to be all bad. Even the death-cloud hanging over America has a silver lining.
For one thing, the social security crisis is now solved. Experts warned that the retirement of the baby-boom generation would overwhelm the creaky social security system, forcing America to execute anyone over 55 to ease the country’s entitlements burden. Luckily, that nightmare world won’t come to pass, because nobody will ever be able to retire again. As Americans continue working into their 90s and early 100s, the government will save billions that would have been otherwise wasted on medicine and bifocals, but can now be more practically spent to bail-out poorly managed investment banks.
. . .
Best of all, a total collapse will mean total unemployment. Then, without jobs to tie us down, the entire population can live the free life, which will be good since we won’t be able to afford any life that isn’t free. We’ll all be shoeless, banjo-slinging, happy-go-lucky vagabonds casting off the soul-crushing, materialistic, conformist society that once imprisoned us, enjoying each day for the simple blessings it brings. And when we’re tired of that and want to be rich again, we can escape poverty by writing a best-selling multivolume fantasy series, just like J.K.Rowling did! This whole crisis is going to turn out great.
This is going around…
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.
I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to firstname.lastname@example.org so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
In her convention speech last night, Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she sold Alaska’s state jet on eBay. What many don’t know is that Palin is an eBay power seller who has sold thousands of items. While America may not be sure what to make of her, on eBay she has a 98% positive feedback rating. Here is a list of ten of her most bid-upon auctions:
10. Giant plastic Alaskan king crab. Buy-it-now price: $200.00
9. Media scrutiny. In this recent auction, Palin tried get rid of some of the press attention on her that has been so damaging. Even though two celebrity bidders (strongly suspected to be Britney Spears and Paris Hilton) took the price up to six figures, eBay removed the auction after it became clear that Palin and her handlers could not control the media scrutiny surrounding her.
8. Stout band of Vikings. Palin sold off these mercenary Vikings when she decided to oppose abortion in cases of rape, pillage and if the mother is an opera singer.
7. Palin family heirloom ‘wedding shotgun’. This item was removed after several hundred bids because Palin realized she might still needed it if Levi gets cold feet.
6. Well-worn VHS cassette of the movie Election. The character of Tracy Flick — an ambitious, ethically-challenged sexpot — was used as a model for Palin’s meteoric political rise. This piece of political memorabilia sold to bidder ktotherove for nearly $10,000.
5. Ice palace carved by Eskimo slave labor. Palin spent millions of dollars of government earmarks on this ice palace, only to find out that “ice queen” was not a complement. Though it bid up to $12,000+, the Alaskan sun damaged it before it could be shipped.
4. Connections to corrupt Ted Stevens machine. Palin sold these just in time. The winner of the auction (or should we say loser), Jack Abramoff, is now under indictment.
3. Shrunken heads of her political opponents. Sold to make room in the garage for Todd’s new skimobile.
2. Bristol Palin’s unborn baby. The reserve was not met, so they are keeping the child.
1. Sculpture of Palin giving birth on a bearskin rug. The Alaskan State Senate would not allow this artist’s rendering of Palin’s preferred childbirthing method to be displayed in the State House so she auctioned it off. The winner was mccainestate6 and the price was a whopping $7M!
NEW YORK – Police responded to a domestic dispute at a Sesame Street basement apartment last night, the latest in a string of altercations involving roommates Bert and Ernie. According to police, the dispute occurred when Ernie began playing “tag” while Bert tried to read.
“I tired to explain to him that I didn’t want to be ‘it,’” said Bert, “and when I finally tagged him he tagged me again. Oh, Ernie. He just doesn’t get it.”
Ernie claims it was simply a misunderstanding.
“Gee, I don’t know why my old buddy Bert flipped out like that,” Ernie said, “I was just trying to show him the importance of exercise. Plus, he was ‘it.’”
This wasn’t the first time Bert and Ernie have had arguments. Authorities have responded to incidents ranging from Ernie playing drums while Bert tried to sleep, Ernie eating all of Bert’s chocolate ice cream, and Ernie pretending a banana was a telephone. Since Ernie’s alleged behavior is boorish but not illegal, there is little the authorities can do.
Anger at Ernie is not limited to his mono-browed companion. After the most recent episode, a group of neighbors gathered at the late Mr. Hooper’s store to voice their outrage over what they consider Ernie’s increasingly insensitive behavior. Former business associate Oscar the Grouch nearly flipped his lid telling how he tried to help Ernie find his lost rubber ducky.
“He told me to duck off,” Grouch said. “So I scrammed.”
Local nobility, Count Von Count, counted “Seventeen, seventeen ways Ernie ticks me off, ah, ah, ah,” including a disastrous stint with Ernie as the Count’s personal assistant.
Another resident, Linda, became so irate during the discussion that she was unable to speak and resorted to wild, unintelligible gesticulations.
Ernie declined to comment on the growing list of grievances – including inappropriate use of the letter “P” – yet one neighbor has stood up on his behalf.
Longtime racquetball partner, Cookie Monster, said he sympathizes with Ernie.
“Me know what it like to be pariah,” Monster said. “To not be able to control yourself, it gobble up your life and your relationships.”
Monster made headlines last year when he went on a letter-eating rampage that left the neighborhood – and the alphabet – in a broken state. It wasn’t until then-girlfriend, Prairie Dawn, served him a restraining order that Monster, in his words, “took stock of me life.”
Burdened by a congenital eye condition, Monster blames the ridicule he endured as a child for the pent up aggression that led to his destructive habits. Through therapy, Monster made peace with his issues and believes Ernie should do the same, possibly through a group intervention or a sing-a-long.
“It time for [Ernie] to get help,” Monster said.
Despite Monster’s support and the growing neighborhood outcry, little has been done to curb Ernie’s habits. The neighborhood meeting adjourned with a rousing recap of the letter- and number-of-the-day, but little in the way of practical solutions.
As everyone settled into their houses, nests, and trash cans for the night, a familiar sound drifted up from a certain basement apartment: the plaintive groan of a roommate trying to sleep, muffled by his snickering roommate. Sesame Street’s so-called “orange menace” had struck again.