The Hollywood newspaper Variety is filled with an invented slang called V-speak. (The Animaniacs explain.)

“I have to take my dog to pilates” is going to be my new excuse to leave meetings.

There are currently 34 facts about John McCain's age.

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Obama looks like Osama.  Big deal.  But did he have to pick Biden for VP?

Shouldn’t somebody in Obama’s campaign have thought of this?

The ‘Obama is a turrist’ folks are going to blow a gasket.

Don’t blame the messenger. Just remember, Obama is not a Pumpkin.

10. Rear Admiral Sir George Cockburn

Listening to a Napoleon podcast, I had to stop and rewind and listen to be sure I heard this name right. Yes, he’s a real historical figure who was charged with bringing the captured Napoleon to England.

(And yes, Wikipedia does note that the Rear Admiral’s surname is pronounce more like ‘Coburn.’ But don’t spell it that way if you don’t want Napoleon scholars mispronouncing it.)

9. Mark Hunt

If you imagine someone with a New Zealand accent saying this name, then it’s not hard to imagine that a New Zealander with this name became Kickboxing Champion of the World. Make fun of Mark Hunt at your own risk. I mean, with muscles strong enough to crush an appendage in seconds, Mark Hunt is off limits. Don’t even touch Mark Hunt.

8. Charles L. Bitsch

French auteurist filmmaker Charles “Chuck” Bitsch was a compadre of better known and more-pretentiously-named filmmakers like Jean-Luc Godard and François Truffaut. One wonders whether he might’ve had a career like theirs if only he hadn’t gotten a reputation as a real son of a… gun.

7. Philip K. Dick

When you detach yourself from how you feel about his science fiction and just look at the name, you realize that he must’ve had an eff’d up childhood. Hence the eff’d up novels. ‘Phil,’ by the way, is a Greek root that means ‘love’ - so that makes fans of the author ‘Dickophiles.’ They prefer instead to call themselves ‘Dickheads.’

6. Wang Dong

While his name is not unfortunate in his native China, soccer player Wang Dong must have difficulty getting respect when he plays internationally. This hasn’t stopped Dong from scoring. China’s favorite Wang scores all the time. Here’s a YouTube video of him scoring in against Thailand.

5. Dick Hyman

Dick Hyman, a pianist (say that five times fast), could’ve opted to go by Richard. But he embraced his inner Dick and has had a successful career. Let’s look at the biography on his website (all true but emphasis added):

Dick Hyman has functioned as pianist, organist, arranger, music director, and composer. His versatility in all of these areas has resulted in film scores, orchestral compositions, concert appearances and well over 100 albums recorded under his own name. While developing a masterful facility for improvisation in his own piano style, Mr. Hyman has also investigated ragtime and the earliest periods of jazz.

4. Harry Patch

Though he may not be for long, Harry Patch, is the second-oldest man in the UK. He’s totaled 110 years of being a Harry Patch. Along the way there were many events that might’ve shaved off years of Harry Patch’s life — growing up poor in a place called Combe Down (really); untangling himself from razor wire in the First World War; or just generally working as a plumber, which exposed Harry Patch’s talents in ways you might not predict. According to the BBC, “In 2004, Gaymer Cider Company brought out 106 bottles of Patch Pride as a tribute for each year of Harry’s life.”  We should all be Gaymer enough to celebrate the Harry Patches of the world.

3. Hieronymus Cock

You’ve heard of Hieronymus Bosch. But there was also a Flemish painter and engraver named Hieronymus Cock. The engravings of Cock were mostly knockoffs of Bosch and Breugel, but Cock achieved notoriety in Antwerp by working closely with such writers as Dirck Coornhert.  Apparently Dirck and Cock had a vigorous back-and-forth and give-and-take, or at least it says so in the Annals Coornhert.

(Speaking of Low Country artists, here’s a tan-genital-ly related fact: the Dutch pronunciation of Vincent Van Gogh’s name sounds like ‘Vincent Van Cock.’)

2. Dick Swett

A U.S. Congressman for only two terms, Representative Dick Swett was proud to represent the Granite state of New Hampshire. Maybe because his rock hard state has a “humid continental climate,” Dick Swett accepted a position as the U.S. Ambassador to Denmark.

Swett left his mark on fabrics when he awarded, as part of the board of Architecture for Humanity, a prize to a “lightweight, self-sustaining, container-sized unit … whose design employs traditional African textiles as sunshades.” I can just imagine Dick Swett in such a container-sized unit. Let’s hope the Danes appreciate us giving them Dick Swett!

1. Hymen Lipman

Hymen Lipman may not be as famous as other names on this list, but he really should be. A 19th-century American inventor, his main claim to fame is being the first person to attach an eraser to a pencil. Really.

While I think it was a true stroke of genius, the U.S. Supreme Court eventually tore into Hymen, saying it wasn’t a legit invention, since it didn’t do anything new. You’d think a decision like that would’ve busted Hymen pretty good, but he had already popped his cherry, so to speak, by selling the patent to a man named (really) Reckendorfer — for the then (1862) ungodly sum of $100,000.

After that, nothing is known about Hymen Lipman. Apparently, he took the money and split.

Images source: Wikipedia

These random generator things are catching on. I credit Facts About My Dick.

Here’s a new one called ‘Sometimes Bro‘:

Sometimes Bro, you just gotta buy that belt buckle.

Sometimes Bro, I just want to mosh at that A7X show.

Sometimes Bro, your truck takes up two spots, bro.

This list of insults found via Digg makes me wonder what the formula is for creating a great insult. There definitely seems to be a typology.

Among the most popular is the backhanded complement:

He is a self-made man who worships his creator. — John Bright
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. — Heywood Braun
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. — Steven Pearl

There’s the insinuating question:

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? — David Letterman
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? — Milton Berle
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? — Ashleigh Brilliant

There are simple metaphors:

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. — Robert Redford
He has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair. — Theodore Roosevelt
The best part of you ran down your mother’s legs. — Jackie Gleason

There’s the complement with a clarification:

He writes his plays for the ages–the ages between five and twelve. — George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t. — Victor Borge
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast. — W. S. Gilbert

And then there seems to be a long tradition of openly wishing death upon people. I’d call these curses more than insults:

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. — H. H. Munro
I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. — Mark Twain
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. — Jack E. Leonard

The video game Spore has a creature builder that allows you to post videos of the creatures you’ve designed to YouTube.

A search of spore penis on YouTube currently returns 680 results.

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