Archive for the ‘tastes funny originals’ Category
You know what? I don’t give a flying bat’s guano pie about Joe the Plumber. He may know about shit in pipes but he doesn’t know shit about politics.
Joe, by the way, makes well under the $250,000/yr cutoff for Obama’s proposed tax increases. His taxes wouldn’t go up under Obama’s plan. Conclusion: He’s an idiot. F*ck him.
New at the Tastes Funny Store:
They Charge A Lot
They charge a lot at SoHo stores
but trust-fund girls and fashion whores
can’t wait to buy them out of stock.
To purchase (sixty bucks a sock!)
French-label made-in-Singapores,
designer jeans and pinafores–
the shoppers south of Houston flock
with plastic; swiping into hock,
they charge a lot.
Waists thin as sapling sycamores,
they cluster at the merchants’ doors
to be the first, at ten o’clock,
to burst inside and buy amok.
Like bulls at red-tagged matadors,
they charge a lot.
John McCain and his silky white helmet of hair, like a napkin draped by angels
Obama, cool as a cucumber, telling the nation he will eat their children
Oh, wait…
James Meredith, 1962
There seems to be a subtext…
Tastes Funny went to the dark bowels of the internet to find the most offensive jokes ever written.
We’re not talking about your average dumb racist jokes. Those are jokes that aim to offend one group of people. These are jokes that aim to offend everyone… Hey, you’ve been warned.
1. A Horrible Twist
What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
Crib death.
2. World Trade Center Humor
Q) What did the the hotdog vendor at the bottom of the WTC say?
A) Who ordered the 2 jumbos?
3. New Version of An Old Joke
Q. What’s funnier than a chicken crossing the road?
A. Rape.
4. Classic Helen Keller
Q. How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A. She answered the iron.Q. How did Helen Keller burn the other side of her face?
A. They called back.
5. Essence of Chauvinism
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Whatever your political affiliation is, you have to admit there hasn’t been a foxier selection of women in the political arena since Penthesilea and her crew showed the Spartans how they handle shit down in Pontus. Whether you’re a fan of Sarah-cuda, “The Closer,” or have a thing for beer baronesses with bad skin, these are glorious times.
Being the mature and civic-minded journalists that we are, we have complied a list to honor these creatures of grace, stature, and charm and their counterparts through the ages. Behold, History’s Greatest MILFs…
10. Mary Queen of the Scots
This haughty redhead had the Elizabethan gentry guessing if the carpets matched the tapestries (they did!). She and her former BFF, Elizabeth I, became bitter enemies after a “two girls, one chalice” incident.
A (probably horny) artist's rendering of Boudica, also known as Boadicea (Latin for bodacious)
9. Boudica
The muse of countless Enya songs, one may reconsider cheating on this notoriously jealous “warrior queen of the Britons.” After battles, she impaled rival noble women on spikes, sowed their dismembered breasts to their mouths, and said they looked fat.
8. Semiramis, Queen of Babylon
She didn’t wind up in the second circle of hell with the souls of the lustful because she liked the dry heat. The original “brick house” of Babylon, she invented the chastity belt to keep suitors from constantly trying to “tap that Assyrian.”
7. Indira Gandhi
Hunger strikes and an aversion of beef kept our “red dot special” slim, trim, and karmatically prim. Don’t expect her to go caste-hopping, though. Richard M. Nixon famously called her “the old witch” when she kicked his tricky dick to the curb.
First Fox
6. Abigail Adams
She was the first person to use “<3” when she signed her romantic dispatches to hubby John Adams during the American Revolutionary War. Being one of our country’s most popular First Ladies, the Abigail Adams commemorative gold coin was only outsold by the Abigail Adams commemorative pocket pussy.
5. Amaliè Freud
Sorry, Siggy, not everyone wants to subconsciously sleep with their mother… just yours. As Karl Jung put it: “There is no recipe for living that suits all cases, but we all know Freud’s mom is pretty friggin’ hot.”
4. Eleanor of Aquitaine
She promoted Courtly Love and performed mock trials to steer her knights from their naughty ways. Her punishments included forcing knights to worship her and her maidens, to grow their hair long, and to wear frilly shirts — simultaneously making her the first dominatrix and the inventor of glam metal.
3. Nefertiti
While her famous “bust” leaves more to the imagination than advertised, you gotta love a gal with “titi” right there in her name. Having “the most beautiful woman in the world” for a step-mom / mother-in-law might have been a lesson in repression for King Tut, but, you never know, they rolled a little differently back then.
2. Cleopatra
Our top Mummy-ILF erected more than just pyramids (Hey-o!). To impress Mark Antony she had herself rolled in a carpet then unraveled at his feet. Plus, she could do this crazy trick with a ping-pong ball…
This 'mother of us all' can reach for some forbidden fruit any time
1. Eve
The original MILF! Think of any womanly attribute and this knowledge-loving nudist did it first, including being the inspiration for the term ‘apple bottom.’ Some creationists may have incest issues ogling the ‘mother of mankind’ but the more rational pervert ‘is in there like figwear.’
Image sources: All Wikipedia except for Boudica (Chris Achilleos via Olivia Jensen), Abigail Adams (HBO Films) & Amaliè Freud (Library of Congress)
A big deal has been made in the blogosphere about how John McCain called his wife a “cunt” in front of reporters.
It seems like there is an easy explanation for this. He was probably saying “My wife is a ‘country first’ kind of gal” but was interrupted mid-sentence.
Why won’t McCain just explain this and set the record straight? I’ll tell you why. Because many years ago, John McCain was a POW. And POWs don’t have to explain anything
As President, John McCain would play the ‘get out of explanation free’ card as much as he wants. Dealing with the Russians and on the brink of a Second Cold War? No worries, he will just remind them he was a POW and they will cower in their galoshes.
Why can’t John McCain remember how many houses he has? He was a POW. Which country is Iraq and which is Iran? It doesn’t matter, because John McCain was a POW. He has served his country by getting shot down and captured in a war that they shouldn’t've been fighting anyway. FTW!
Think about it. Why would a man who has been tortured vote against a bill that supports basic human rights and ends state-sponsored torture? Because he believes innocent people in nations all over the world deserve a chance to be POWs just like him. Imagine, a world full of politicians with no obligation to explain themselves to the public. You wouldn’t even need a media in that world, you could program American Idol 24/7!!!
If that’s not change you can believe in, John McCain will change his mind again until it is.
In her convention speech last night, Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin said that she sold Alaska’s state jet on eBay. What many don’t know is that Palin is an eBay power seller who has sold thousands of items. While America may not be sure what to make of her, on eBay she has a 98% positive feedback rating. Here is a list of ten of her most bid-upon auctions:
Seafood anyone?
10. Giant plastic Alaskan king crab. Buy-it-now price: $200.00
9. Media scrutiny. In this recent auction, Palin tried get rid of some of the press attention on her that has been so damaging. Even though two celebrity bidders (strongly suspected to be Britney Spears and Paris Hilton) took the price up to six figures, eBay removed the auction after it became clear that Palin and her handlers could not control the media scrutiny surrounding her.
Sarah Palin and her troop of Alaskan freedom fighters
8. Stout band of Vikings. Palin sold off these mercenary Vikings when she decided to oppose abortion in cases of rape, pillage and if the mother is an opera singer.
7. Palin family heirloom ‘wedding shotgun’. This item was removed after several hundred bids because Palin realized she might still needed it if Levi gets cold feet.
6. Well-worn VHS cassette of the movie Election. The character of Tracy Flick — an ambitious, ethically-challenged sexpot — was used as a model for Palin’s meteoric political rise. This piece of political memorabilia sold to bidder ktotherove for nearly $10,000.
Palin's Ice Palace melted prior to shipping
5. Ice palace carved by Eskimo slave labor. Palin spent millions of dollars of government earmarks on this ice palace, only to find out that “ice queen” was not a complement. Though it bid up to $12,000+, the Alaskan sun damaged it before it could be shipped.
4. Connections to corrupt Ted Stevens machine. Palin sold these just in time. The winner of the auction (or should we say loser), Jack Abramoff, is now under indictment.
3. Shrunken heads of her political opponents. Sold to make room in the garage for Todd’s new skimobile.
2. Bristol Palin’s unborn baby. The reserve was not met, so they are keeping the child.
Sculpture portraying Palin as a fertility goddess
1. Sculpture of Palin giving birth on a bearskin rug. The Alaskan State Senate would not allow this artist’s rendering of Palin’s preferred childbirthing method to be displayed in the State House so she auctioned it off. The winner was mccainestate6 and the price was a whopping $7M!
There are currently 34 facts about John McCain's age.
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Ernie (left) and Bert (right), longtime Sesame Street roommates whose domestic discord has soured air formerly considered "sweet"
NEW YORK – Police responded to a domestic dispute at a Sesame Street basement apartment last night, the latest in a string of altercations involving roommates Bert and Ernie. According to police, the dispute occurred when Ernie began playing “tag” while Bert tried to read.
“I tired to explain to him that I didn’t want to be ‘it,’” said Bert, “and when I finally tagged him he tagged me again. Oh, Ernie. He just doesn’t get it.”
Ernie claims it was simply a misunderstanding.
“Gee, I don’t know why my old buddy Bert flipped out like that,” Ernie said, “I was just trying to show him the importance of exercise. Plus, he was ‘it.’”
This wasn’t the first time Bert and Ernie have had arguments. Authorities have responded to incidents ranging from Ernie playing drums while Bert tried to sleep, Ernie eating all of Bert’s chocolate ice cream, and Ernie pretending a banana was a telephone. Since Ernie’s alleged behavior is boorish but not illegal, there is little the authorities can do.
Anger at Ernie is not limited to his mono-browed companion. After the most recent episode, a group of neighbors gathered at the late Mr. Hooper’s store to voice their outrage over what they consider Ernie’s increasingly insensitive behavior. Former business associate Oscar the Grouch nearly flipped his lid telling how he tried to help Ernie find his lost rubber ducky.
“He told me to duck off,” Grouch said. “So I scrammed.”
Local nobility, Count Von Count, counted “Seventeen, seventeen ways Ernie ticks me off, ah, ah, ah,” including a disastrous stint with Ernie as the Count’s personal assistant.
Another resident, Linda, became so irate during the discussion that she was unable to speak and resorted to wild, unintelligible gesticulations.
Ernie declined to comment on the growing list of grievances – including inappropriate use of the letter “P” – yet one neighbor has stood up on his behalf.
Longtime racquetball partner, Cookie Monster, said he sympathizes with Ernie.
“Me know what it like to be pariah,” Monster said. “To not be able to control yourself, it gobble up your life and your relationships.”
Monster made headlines last year when he went on a letter-eating rampage that left the neighborhood – and the alphabet – in a broken state. It wasn’t until then-girlfriend, Prairie Dawn, served him a restraining order that Monster, in his words, “took stock of me life.”
Burdened by a congenital eye condition, Monster blames the ridicule he endured as a child for the pent up aggression that led to his destructive habits. Through therapy, Monster made peace with his issues and believes Ernie should do the same, possibly through a group intervention or a sing-a-long.
“It time for [Ernie] to get help,” Monster said.
Despite Monster’s support and the growing neighborhood outcry, little has been done to curb Ernie’s habits. The neighborhood meeting adjourned with a rousing recap of the letter- and number-of-the-day, but little in the way of practical solutions.
As everyone settled into their houses, nests, and trash cans for the night, a familiar sound drifted up from a certain basement apartment: the plaintive groan of a roommate trying to sleep, muffled by his snickering roommate. Sesame Street’s so-called “orange menace” had struck again.
I based this on a picture of a guy I work with who is a total freak for the new Batman movie.
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If you like this, you’ll probably also dig the Irony, Man design.
How do you know someone is a rich asshole? They are wearing this shirt:
Link
Today the Mars Phoenix discovered water - “water ice” to be precise. (I guess you’d have a very different visual of the discovery if they said they found “ice water.”) In honor of this momentous day, here’s a little graphic…
Get this design on a t-shirt or other useful product at the Tastes Funny Store.
Special thanks to the generous JHT and his wonderful planet textures website
There are currently 52 facts about my dick.
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If you haven’t read the famous e-mail, see what Snoopes has to say about why Barack Obama is not a pumpkin.
