You might think from the rise of Sarah-cuda, “The Closer,” and beer baronesses with bad skin, that we are living in The Age of the MILF. But if you lift the toga of Father Time, you’ll find some even hotter Mamas.
Being the mature and civic-minded journalists that we are, we have compiled a list to honor these creatures of grace, stature, and fertility. Behold, History’s Greatest MILFs…
10. Mary Queen of the Scots
This haughty redhead had the Elizabethan gentry guessing if the carpets matched the tapestries (they did!). She and her former BFF, Elizabeth I, became bitter enemies after a “two girls, one chalice” incident.
A (probably horny) artist's rendering of Boudica, also known as Boadicea (Latin for bodacious)
9. Boudica
The muse of countless Enya songs, one may reconsider cheating on this notoriously jealous “warrior queen of the Britons.” After battles, she impaled rival noble women on spikes, sowed their dismembered breasts to their mouths, and said they looked fat.
8. Semiramis, Queen of Babylon
She didn’t wind up in the second circle of hell with the souls of the lustful because she liked the dry heat. The original “brick house” of Babylon, she invented the chastity belt to keep suitors from constantly trying to “tap that Assyrian.”
7. Indira Gandhi
Hunger strikes and an aversion of beef kept our “red dot special” slim, trim, and karmatically prim. Don’t expect her to go caste-hopping, though. Richard M. Nixon famously called her “the old witch” when she kicked his tricky dick to the curb.
First Fox
6. Abigail Adams
She was the first person to use “<3” when she signed her romantic dispatches to hubby John Adams during the American Revolutionary War. Being one of our country’s most popular First Ladies, the Abigail Adams commemorative gold coin was only outsold by the Abigail Adams commemorative pocket pussy.
5. Amaliè Freud
Sorry, Siggy, not everyone wants to subconsciously sleep with their mother… just yours. As Karl Jung put it: “There is no recipe for living that suits all cases, but we all know Freud’s mom is pretty friggin’ hot.”
4. Eleanor of Aquitaine
She promoted Courtly Love and performed mock trials to steer her knights from their naughty ways. Her punishments included forcing knights to worship her and her maidens, to grow their hair long, and to wear frilly shirts — simultaneously making her the first dominatrix and the inventor of glam metal.
3. Nefertiti
While her famous “bust” leaves more to the imagination than advertised, you gotta love a gal with “titi” right there in her name. Having “the most beautiful woman in the world” for a step-mom / mother-in-law might have been a lesson in repression for King Tut, but, you never know, they rolled a little differently back then.
2. Cleopatra
Our top Mummy-ILF erected more than just pyramids (Hey-o!). To impress Mark Antony she had herself rolled in a carpet then unraveled at his feet. Plus, she could do this crazy trick with a ping-pong ball…
This 'mother of us all' can reach for some forbidden fruit any time
1. Eve
The original MILF! Think of any womanly attribute and this knowledge-loving nudist did it first, including being the inspiration for the term ‘apple bottom.’ Some creationists may have incest issues ogling the ‘mother of mankind’ but the more rational pervert ‘is in there like figwear.’
Image sources: All Wikipedia except for Boudica (Chris Achilleos via Olivia Jensen), Abigail Adams (HBO Films) & Amaliè Freud (Library of Congress)
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