This is very similar to this site’s Facts About My Dick.
A Yankees fan experiences a moment of introspection.
A very important PSA:
See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die
Best line: I just deregulated in my pants.
Elliott Kalan of Metro is looking on the bright side:
Apparently the United States is having an economic collapse. The Stock market is approaching negative numbers, meaning things you already own will start disappearing. The Treasury Secretary has even downgraded the economy from “stable” to “in a pickle”. It’s reminding many of the Great Depression, when an impoverished U.S. split into warring tribes and could only be reunited when FDR predicted a solar eclipse, thus convincing America he was a wizard who could appease the money gods. But don’t let that depress you too much, because financial catastrophe doesn’t have to be all bad. Even the death-cloud hanging over America has a silver lining.For one thing, the social security crisis is now solved. Experts warned that the retirement of the baby-boom generation would overwhelm the creaky social security system, forcing America to execute anyone over 55 to ease the country’s entitlements burden. Luckily, that nightmare world won’t come to pass, because nobody will ever be able to retire again. As Americans continue working into their 90s and early 100s, the government will save billions that would have been otherwise wasted on medicine and bifocals, but can now be more practically spent to bail-out poorly managed investment banks.
. . .
Best of all, a total collapse will mean total unemployment. Then, without jobs to tie us down, the entire population can live the free life, which will be good since we won’t be able to afford any life that isn’t free. We’ll all be shoeless, banjo-slinging, happy-go-lucky vagabonds casting off the soul-crushing, materialistic, conformist society that once imprisoned us, enjoying each day for the simple blessings it brings. And when we’re tired of that and want to be rich again, we can escape poverty by writing a best-selling multivolume fantasy series, just like J.K.Rowling did! This whole crisis is going to turn out great.
You know what? I don’t give a flying bat’s guano pie about Joe the Plumber. He may know about shit in pipes but he doesn’t know shit about politics.
Joe, by the way, makes well under the $250,000/yr cutoff for Obama’s proposed tax increases. His taxes wouldn’t go up under Obama’s plan. Conclusion: He’s an idiot. F*ck him.
New at the Tastes Funny Store:
Whatever your political affiliation is, you have to admit there hasn’t been a foxier selection of women in the political arena since Penthesilea and her crew showed the Spartans how they handle shit down in Pontus. Whether you’re a fan of Sarah-cuda, “The Closer,” or have a thing for beer baronesses with bad skin, these are glorious times.
Being the mature and civic-minded journalists that we are, we have complied a list to honor these creatures of grace, stature, and charm and their counterparts through the ages. Behold, History’s Greatest MILFs…
10. Mary Queen of the Scots
This haughty redhead had the Elizabethan gentry guessing if the carpets matched the tapestries (they did!). She and her former BFF, Elizabeth I, became bitter enemies after a “two girls, one chalice” incident.
A (probably horny) artist's rendering of Boudica, also known as Boadicea (Latin for bodacious)
9. Boudica
The muse of countless Enya songs, one may reconsider cheating on this notoriously jealous “warrior queen of the Britons.” After battles, she impaled rival noble women on spikes, sowed their dismembered breasts to their mouths, and said they looked fat.
8. Semiramis, Queen of Babylon
She didn’t wind up in the second circle of hell with the souls of the lustful because she liked the dry heat. The original “brick house” of Babylon, she invented the chastity belt to keep suitors from constantly trying to “tap that Assyrian.”
7. Indira Gandhi
Hunger strikes and an aversion of beef kept our “red dot special” slim, trim, and karmatically prim. Don’t expect her to go caste-hopping, though. Richard M. Nixon famously called her “the old witch” when she kicked his tricky dick to the curb.
First Fox
6. Abigail Adams
She was the first person to use “<3” when she signed her romantic dispatches to hubby John Adams during the American Revolutionary War. Being one of our country’s most popular First Ladies, the Abigail Adams commemorative gold coin was only outsold by the Abigail Adams commemorative pocket pussy.
5. Amaliè Freud
Sorry, Siggy, not everyone wants to subconsciously sleep with their mother… just yours. As Karl Jung put it: “There is no recipe for living that suits all cases, but we all know Freud’s mom is pretty friggin’ hot.”
4. Eleanor of Aquitaine
She promoted Courtly Love and performed mock trials to steer her knights from their naughty ways. Her punishments included forcing knights to worship her and her maidens, to grow their hair long, and to wear frilly shirts — simultaneously making her the first dominatrix and the inventor of glam metal.
3. Nefertiti
While her famous “bust” leaves more to the imagination than advertised, you gotta love a gal with “titi” right there in her name. Having “the most beautiful woman in the world” for a step-mom / mother-in-law might have been a lesson in repression for King Tut, but, you never know, they rolled a little differently back then.
2. Cleopatra
Our top Mummy-ILF erected more than just pyramids (Hey-o!). To impress Mark Antony she had herself rolled in a carpet then unraveled at his feet. Plus, she could do this crazy trick with a ping-pong ball…
This 'mother of us all' can reach for some forbidden fruit any time
1. Eve
The original MILF! Think of any womanly attribute and this knowledge-loving nudist did it first, including being the inspiration for the term ‘apple bottom.’ Some creationists may have incest issues ogling the ‘mother of mankind’ but the more rational pervert ‘is in there like figwear.’
Image sources: All Wikipedia except for Boudica (Chris Achilleos via Olivia Jensen), Abigail Adams (HBO Films) & Amaliè Freud (Library of Congress)
Security takes his mic and leaves him lying there while the crowd shouts "Pick him up, man."
All my life, I've prayed for security like you.
All my life, I've prayed for security like you.
I’m all for warning people with peanut allergies, but let’s not treat them like idiots…
For the record, it says:
Ingredients: Dry Roasted Peanuts, Salt
Produced in a facility that processes peanuts and other nuts
I based this on a picture of a guy I work with who is a total freak for the new Batman movie.
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If you like this, you’ll probably also dig the Irony, Man design.
